Turning Twenty

In about 20 minutes from now, I am going to turn 20. I know there is nothing to feel proud, happy, worried or rather to feel anything about at this moment, but somehow as I wait for the short and long hands of the clock to unite at twelve, I can’t help but be overwhelmed by the pending occasion. My thought processes right now are so thoroughly wayward and inexplicably directionless that I wonder why I am even bothering to record it. In a similar state of mind, a few months ago, I had penned down this poem regarding the apprehensions and ambitions at the watershed year which was to bid a final adieu to my teenage. But, right now my head is so muddled up that poetry is totally out of question. So, what I will do is just shoot some random feelings that waltz around my mind as I await the eleventh of May with bated breath…

 

• Two days back, I was loitering aimlessly down the street by my house when a pink ball rolled and stopped by my feet. A moment later, a kid called out ‘Uncle! Please ball aapo ne’ [Gujarati à English : Uncle – Please give the ball].  UNCLE? For the first time in my life, I felt like a grown-up.
• In the back of my mind, I am aware that if I don’t shave for three weeks flat, I will end up looking like Sanjay Leela Bhansali. Another sign that I have attained higher levels of masculinity and adulthood. On the contrary, excepting the face, I hardly look 20. In the last fifteen months, I have lost as many kilograms of weight and my mother suspected I had found myself in the grip of tuberculosis. The medical reports say otherwise and so for the moment, I am safe.
• One thing that I pride myself upon is my sense of humour – something I have gradually but surely sharpened over the past couple of years. It is very convenient to use it as a defence mechanism when you don’t want to lay your thoughts bare for others to surmise upon. Its also very comforting to know you have something to fall back on when you feel low and something to ride upon when you feel high.
• My twentieth birthday according to the Hindu calendar fell eight days back and till the later half of the day, I didn’t even know that it was so. I spent that evening watching a Bhojpuri movie called ‘Nirahua Rikshawala’ [starring Dinesh Lal Jadav, Paggi Hegde and Sushil Singh. No – I do not recommend the movie]. And you thought I partied!
• Sometimes when I see people of my age group I feel I am too intelligent and wise to be amongst them. At other times the same people make me feel insecure and shameful about how little I have managed to achieve in my life so far.
• Considering the life expectancy of a male in India, I have already spent 30% of my life. But, have I done 30% of the things I wanted to do in my life?
• When I think of God, I usually silently acknowledge His benevolence towards me. Its only when He shows His benevolence to others that I grudge Him.
• On 11^th May 2000, India crossed the one billion mark in population. That is the only noteworthy event I know of which concurred on my birthday.
• The tagline of Farhan Akhtar’s ‘Lakshya’ said ‘It took him 24 years and 18,000 feet to find himself’. I am already 20 and I wonder what figures in that tagline would have to change so that it could be true for me.

 

I know this has been a ridiculous post. But, the soonest you are going to read it will be on my birthday. So, just forgive this departure from my normal blog-self and send me a wish and God a prayer for my birthday….